I HAVE ACUTE ATTITUDE PROBLEMZZZX.
today i shocked myself
fully by my inability
to integrate into mainstream
society.
it is as if the
socialising-pretense mechanism
in me
has decided to shut down
leaving the true blue recluse
raging its ugly ugly head.
sometimes i just really want to
be alone, or with people
i don't have to
strain every follicle
just thinking of the next
most political-correct statements to make
while suppressing the
eye-rolling bitch from expressing
my true sentiments about the situation:
i.e PLEASE JUST GO AWAY.
i thought about it for the
whole of my damned Boonlay-Bishan ride
and i realised to my sheer horror
that i have lost my ability to
get along with people.
because if i remember correctly,
there was a time i could.
i reasoned that i am good,
and in fact, i enjoy
talking to strangers or holding
superficial conversations
lasting not more thatn 15 minutes.
anything more than that
would be risky.
i am always living in the fear
of meeting someone on the streets/
on the way to somewhere because my
life is segmented to a 4:1 ratio
where 80% has been allocated to
quiet alone time,
20% of it
i dedicate to trying my best to
provide entertainment and laughs
to participants of my social life.
i feel that if i have performed
well in this 20%
i deserve my 80% so
PLEASE DON'T CALL ME IF YOU
SEE ME ON THE STREETS UNLESS
WE HAVE A MUTUAL UNDERSTANDING
THAT WE ARE BFFZ.
i am very afraid of people
who don't pick up gentle lil subtle hints
of our incompatibility,
forcing me to take more hostile
courses of action against their threats
of trying to be my Friend/ ____ etc.
i mostly like to keep things
official/work-related to people
whom i really don't see a future with,
because on top of being civil
i have to force the will to laugh
at the really unfunny humour and
counteract _______ comments.
most people claim to be able to
do that, they just have a
higher threshold for awkwardness
and pathetic conversations.
the stats mostly work out like that:
there are 60% of people
i secretly don't like very much,
10% whom i outwardly express
hostility towards,
8% whom i know but hardly even bother to
remember names of,
12% others that i have pretty
much neutral feelings towards,
and
10% of whom i love very much but
also whom i hope
i don't meet excessively
to prevent their falling into
the former categories.
i.e. I HATE MOST OF MY WORLD
I.E. I HAVE ATTITUDE PROBLEMSZZZZZZZ.
i will die a lonely cranky
old hag with no husband no family
and no friends.
8:45 PM